The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
