i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
