dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
