It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
