i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
