dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
