dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
