Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
