Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
