Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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