My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
