hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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