ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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