Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
