just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
