I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
