His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
