Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
