Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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