9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
