oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
