Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
