dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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