i wish my penis had a tongue
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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