my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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