I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
