I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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