Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
