I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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