So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
