You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
