Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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