After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
