oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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