His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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