She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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