This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
