So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
