I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
