btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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