I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
