M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
