My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
