maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
