Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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