I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
