I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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