Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
