I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
