mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
