Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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