Can i not drive my cunt home
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
