I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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