A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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