Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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