i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize