Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
